Emily

whoever was leaving the unkind and very hurtful comments, please tell me who you are. I dont want to tell you off or anything- i just want you to know that you did hurt me with what you said and i'm guessing that was your intention- so at least one of us is happy now.

i think it has been pretty obvious in the recent posts that i am not exactly happy with my life right now and i am going through a lot and i think that it was unnecessary for you to say the things that you said when you obviously didnt know enough about my situations to have the right to comment on them.

i wont be posting in here anymore. i have a new blog and for those of you who want the link, just ask and i will give it to you.

HAR HAR HAR
i took this quiz and it told me the my beliefs and ideas and things match up to these religions (the percentage is how closely we match)

1. Unitarian Universalism (100%)
2. Secular Humanism (97%)
3. Liberal Quakers (89%)
4. Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestants (83%)
5. Nontheist (77%)
6. Theravada Buddhism (75%)
7. Neo-Pagan (65%)
8. Taoism (59%)
9. Bahá'í Faith (54%)
10. New Age (54%)
11. Christian Science (Church of Christ, Scientist) (51%)
12. Mahayana Buddhism (49%)
13. Reform Judaism (44%)
14. New Thought (43%)
15. Orthodox Quaker (40%)
16. Scientology (37%)
17. Jainism (37%)
18. Mainline to Conservative Christian/Protestant (35%)
19. Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons) (33%)
20. Sikhism (31%)
21. Jehovah's Witness (27%)
22. Seventh Day Adventist (18%)
23. Hinduism (17%)
24. Islam (13%)
25. Orthodox Judaism (13%)
26. Eastern Orthodox (3%)
27. Roman Catholic (3%)


note #1- hahahaha 44 % reform judaism.... maybe i AM jewish after all.
note #2- i want to slit my wrists over the fact that i might be mormon or jhovah's witness or roman catholic. *shudder*

haha but funny none the less.

take it!!! http://beliefnet.com/story/76/story_7665_1.html

"Post a memory of me in the comments. It can be anything you want.
Then post this in your journal and see what people remember of you."

Before Not Sending a Poem (written by Anna Akhmatova in 1963)


Seaside gusts of wind,
And a house in which we don't live,
And the shadow of a cherished cedar
In front of a forbidden window...
Perhaps there is someone in this world
To whom I could send all these lines. Well then!
Let the lips smile bitterly
And a tremor touch the heart again.

"i've gotta rush away
she said 'i've been to boston before'
and anyway this change i've been feeling
doesnt mke the rain fall
there's no big differences these days
just the same old walkaways

someday i'm gonna stay
but not today...." -counting crows

Messy Thrilling Life : The Art of Figuring Out How to Live by Sabrina Ward Harrison


Availability: This title will be released on August 31, 2004. You may order it now and we will ship it to you when it arrives.





I AM PEEING MY PANTS!!! and it soooo pre-ordered.... I am so proud of sabby, her third book and i just know it will be an amazing one with all that she has been through inthe past few years!!!

i swear, they really work....



GET ONE! they make you feel so good.

www.superherodesigns.com

Everything you want in your life is going to work out. You're going to get your whole life list. You'll publish books, you'll fall in and out of love with people who will make you ache and make you euphoric, and you'll have friendships that touch you in ways you can't conceive of. But it will all work out in the end.

www.selftaughtgirl.com

i haven't been posting much, this i know... its not really that life has been busy lately, but i guess i have been busying myself. with work, with seeing people i haven't seen in a while, with just not thinking about what a mess my life is right now. there's just so much to do, and it seems like so little time. but then at most times in the day i find myself just wishing that time would go by faster... what an odd non-balance that is.

i've been thinking a bunch lately about what its going to be like when justin leaves again. and how ironic our relationship, friendship and whatnot has grown and changed through time. he really is one of my really good friends now, and when you think about those years when we talked online every day, then look at how we were in June, and how we were while he was in australia. it's just nice that things are settled in such a good way. its going to be so odd when he leaves though. i really wont get to talk to him that often, and it sounds dumb, but not being able to hear his voice or wrestle with him is gonna be so un-fun. the whole thing made me think about eric a lot too. i miss him like crazy. i havent seen him since... uhm... since... i dont remember, but its been a few months. and he wont be back from chicago until september i think. i wonder at what point i started being okay with not seeing him for months. this kid was such a huge part of my life for SO long, and it seems like in the past year or so(when he was actually in town), i didnt mind it so much if i didnt see him for months at a time. i know i still have feelings for him, but its such a dumb thing because i really shouldnt and i really probably cant in most worlds. oh well...

justin is in the shower so i'm just playing around until he gets out. i've had no motivation lately to do things- homework, art, writing, anything... and i dont know where it is comming from. i have so much inspiration and i want so badly to do things, but once i get into my room or my studio i end up reading instead or calling someone, or just playing around online.
i dont know what i am doing for prom and my mom was giving me a hard time about it this morning. she asked if i was going with nate and what my plans were exactly and who i was getting a limo with. i felt completely overwhlemed. i dont even know where i stand with nate let alone if we should be making plans for prom in the end of april... and do i really have to know these things NOW? i'm just overwhelmed with life lately. and its so dumb because its not like i have that much going on. i mean, yeah, making work up kinda sucks... and i created a bunch of drama for myself, but i realized that and cleansed myself of it, so i really shouldnt be feeling so mucky still. i just feel like i'm walking in mud or something, like it takes so much effort to take each step and i just want to quit and lay in the mud.

i hope justin gets out of the shower soon, i'm bored.

blah

so this is how i told justin my dream last night, i'm too lazy to retype it, so when i say "you" i mean justin. i dreampt that i brought my friend savannah to come meet you at your house- and you guys hit it off and then i went into nate's room to say hi to him but he was sleeping so i just kissed his forehead and he woke up and got all grouchy with me and i dont remember what we fought about but it was unimportant. and i was like "are you mad at me?" and he said no and so i said "are you tired of me?" and he said no. and then he was like "i know we need to hang out but im trying to sleep" and so i was like "i know!! i wasnt trying to wake you up or anything, i just kissed your forehead." and then i started to storm out of his room and he was like "oooh come back, cant i have a goodbye kiss? i know youre not really mad at me" so i did. then he brought up something about my sexual past or something and got mad about how many guys i have been with. so was like "fuck you" and i walked into your room but you and vannah were playing with chineese decorations or something. and you were flirting with each other and then you started making out and i was like "this is shit. what am i supposed to do?" and then i woke up

the weirdest thing about all that is that i cried in my sleep. i woke up with tears down my face. i have never cried in my sleep before. its the worst thing ever. i feel completely mucky right now and overwhelmed and i have this terrible feeling in my stomach... i dont know whats going on inside of me, or around me... and i wish i could talk to nate about it. maybe i will... i just dont know.

i wish justin were home though because he really does listen well now-a-days. oh well, tomorrow everything will be all better, i will be done with this fucking interview and justin will be home and i wont be so stressed out.

its just too much right now with school and everything.

how it went down this morning


sooo i drank the fleet prep. i got really naseous and puked for a good 3 hours. gross i know.

then they were like you dont have to drink anymore, we love you.

then 20 min later they give me a suppository to make me stop pukeing...

then they make me drink more of it.
but this time they wont let me throw up, so here i am having to puke desperately and not being allowed to- so what do you think happens? i choke on my vomit. so i cant breathe and i go into shock, or what felt like shock- i couldnt tell what was going on around me and i didnt know where i was. then i hyperventalate and i cant breathe at all... so im laying on the bathroom floor foaming at the mouth... so they finally say "ok you can throw up" so i do. and i can breathe again and i am not so gross...

except now i am having liquid poop... EWWWWW.

but hey, if youre reading this you probably know me well, at least well enough to know that i fart and poop a lot. so dont be grossed out, its the crohn's disease... i cant help it.

but im okay, im not dying... and we're still on for the scopes tomorrow at 9. AHHHH I HAVE TO GET UP AT 7 THEN! because hopkins is forever away. NOOOOOOOOOOO.


ok if anyone knows creative things to make for people, tell me... i need ideas.

"Don't kiss me goodbye again
Leave this night clean and quiet
You want the last word
You want me to laugh
But leave it for now

All you can say
All you can feel
Was wrapped up inside that one perfect kiss
Leave it at that:
I'll watch you turn the corner and go...

And goodbye until tomorrow
Goodbye until the next time you call
And I'll be waiting
Goodbye until tomorrow
Goodbye till I recall how to breathe
And I have been waiting
I have been waiting for you

I stand on a precipice
I struggle to keep my balance
I open myself
I open myself one stitch at a time

Finally yes!
Finally now!
Finally something takes me away
Finally free!
Finally he can cut through these strings
And open my wings!

So goodbye until tomorrow!
Goodbye until my feet touch the floor
And I will be waiting
I will be waiting!
Goodbye until tomorrow
Goodbye until the rest of my life
And I have been waiting
I have been waiting for you
Waiting for you
Waiting for you...."

i only put that up because my sister is a musical theatre major so it is obligatory that i know all the lyrics to that show. and because the song makes me cry. and because i had a really nice night.

i realized driving home that the way this whole thing is going, well, i guess i'm treating it differently than anything before. usually i talk about it nonstop and give out all kinds of details, and i let my whole world be based around the guy. just dumb things like that. in the past i always tried to make it so sexual so fast.. but this is different because i realized that i dont want to tell people all about it, i mean, i love talking about him, but i dont wanna go through all the details because it feels more special if i dont, you know? and im giving it time and letting it grow without smothering it (well at least not as much as i used to) and just sitting on the couch with him was enough for me, i dont need it to be sexual. and the truth is, i dont want it to be sexual, at least not for a while. and i really like being at the point where i dont really know where we stand.. i dont really know whats going to happen with this, but it doesnt matter because just being with him is enough. wow- this sounds so dumb... i guess what brought all this on was when i got home and mom started talking to me about the prep tomorrow and i realized that i dont even care- i dont care how hellacious tomorrow is going to be because thinking of him just makes me forget about everything else.

the moral of the story is... this is good. i am glad. i hope i feel well saturday because i want to go see big fish.


i cant stop smiling...



ahhhhhh...
that is all. :-D

sooo i was rather sick today. feeling so tired for no good reason other than that i was up really late talking to nathan online. i went to see him today for a tiny bit (i had to drop off a cd for justin anyway) and we just sat on the couch and talked for a while. it was really nice. i really like him and it seems like we have a lot in common. which is good. we're going to see big fish this weekend. i am really excited. i definitely have a huge crush. we will see if it turns out to be more... i'm taking it slowly though. i saw how much rushing into things can ruin a relationship, so i figure i will take it one day at a time. he said he would help me with my charcoal drawing so i figure if i feel up to it one day this week, i'll bring it up there- i doubt i will feel up to it though, which sucks a lot.

i think i am gonna have to get a colonoscopy/endoscopy on friday. which sucks big time. but im gonna do the prep where you cant taste it. although i wont be able to eat for 3 days, it wil be worth it to not have to drink that shit. i'm just hoping i feel up to going out this weekend. oh well... its not like i feel up to it now so things can only go up i suppose. i just wanna feel better. im so tired of being sick.

i have no clue what i am doing about school either. im really far behind. oh well, mrs hefflin promised i wouldnt have to redo the year so i cnat be too bad off..

i am only posting cause brian asked me to. i am gonna go watch dane cook cause nathan let me borrow it. he's a good kid.

oh, justin came over for a little bit tonight too... im so glad that all my feelings for him are gone. they were just burdensome for me and now i feel like a huge weight is lifted off my shoulders. AHHH, like a deep breath or something.


GOOD NIGHT WORLD

sooo i typed this huge long new years update and it got deleted. so i did it again and it got messed up. i am trying a third time, but it wont have much detail and it will be very boring.

-kati called me around 7 on new years eve, said "why arent you at my house??? COME TO MY HOUSE" and generally yelled. i called jackie and she agreed that i should go there since people were comming from out of town and since i never get to see them.
-i go to philly
-we go to penn's landing for the most amazing fireworks ever
-i have a nice call to a nice and drunken shelby. very amusing.
-we get home, theres vodka and hotdog vomit in the elevator. it was gross
-we party a little, we watch little monsters, i go to bed
-kati ben and i go to big fish yesterday, i get sick 30 min into it and have to go home to katis
-i got to see the mummers parade because we were held up in traffic
-bad bathroom, starbucks things go on...
-i finally get home to the apartment, and watch i love the 80s for hours on end
-i play around with people, then go home around 9:30 or 9:45
-i play online
-i go to sleep
-i wake up and need to poop- STILL... i have so much poop it is ridiculous


-where is my boyfriend? why arent we talking yet? why arent we going on dates and having long deep conversations? why arent we being generally the greatest couple ever?? oh thats right, we dont know each other!!

going to hang out with my boyfriend... oh wait, i dont have a boyfriend.

so i will watch the real world marathon. GOODIE!!

i have a mean crush on *insert name here*.

it needs to go away

i cant have crushes for 3 months
what is he doing entering my life right now?

i need time to be myself and not have boys.

couldnt he have come into my life sooner?? oor in a few months??

sheesh- what am i gonna do?

go crazy.


no, i wont obsess over this. its too small.

sooo i'm a wee bit better... actually a ton better. i had one of the best conversations with jimmy the other day about how my priorities were so out of order and how i feel like i 've lost touch with myself- and we were talking about some things that were getting to him too- and lots about school next year. it was just nice sitting on bench with him and no one really around. i went to school yesterday for a really short period of time and felt totally crappy- i felt like bursting into tears over everything-- like that social justice test- it was about poor people and the thought of such poverty made me cry... so i came home and laid in bed listening to the rain falling and just generally thought about my life and what i really want right now and what i need and what i should do about things. i came to this decision after many tears and ridiculous things...

i just need to have fun right now. i'm not letting myself get romantic about anything for at least 3 months because i need to get romantic with myself-- i need to fall back in love with me before i can love someone else. so how am i going to heal these open festering wounds i have right now? first things first- justin... i figure i'm going up to sara's saturday anyway since i miss her like crazy- so i am gonna talk to her about it- get her input... and maybe just stop by his house and say that i'm sorry if i hurt him in anything that i said... say that i hate not being friends with him because when it comes down to it- thats what matters is just being with him- it doesnt matter if it isnt as more than friends. and say that he can talk about casandra (in your face world--- i did talk to him about herenough to get her name.. i finalyl remembered it) all he wants because i just want to be there for him- i want to be the best friend i can be and hope that he can do the same for me. second thigns second: i'm going to stop giving into sickness-- when it gets sooo terrible, i will go home, but if it is only mild, i'm living my life. third things third: i'm going to listen to jp more about not taking things personally and not being offended by everything.

and maybe i'll go see ginny tomorrow and shelby too- cause they are such good gals.

on another note: justin gave me nathans screen name and its bugging me as to why he did it- how akward if i IMed him... its not consuing my thoughts but i just thought of it and thought i'd write.

i'm in a generally better mood than yesterday which is sooo good cause i was in such a funk. i'm so tired though so i guess i'm gonna go to bed soonish...

so i just need to write a minute-- read it or dont- i really dont care becuse i know the one person who should read this will never do it.
i went to justin's tonight. he said he was lonely and whimpered until i came over. i laid on his bed and he laid directly next to me... i moved and he followed- he wanted to be touching me, he wanted me to rub his back and run my fingers through his hair. jesus, he was even humping me... so i get a call at 10:30 that ih ave to come home (which is good cause i am really sick and still cant quite figure out how to explain that to people). he says he's so lonely and i say i can stay 10 more minutes- playing around, i give him a hickie on his stomach... he says i can only give him hickies where people cant see it. i kiss him on the lips, he pulls away and says "i dont want to kiss you" i swear i felt my heart fade to dust. it feels like there is nothing inside my chest but this gaping hole. i got up and tried to leave and he hugged me and tried to be the nice guy- but thats not him... we both know it isnt him, its all an act so he wont feel so guilty. he said it wouldnt be fair to me. you know what isnt fucking fair to me? the way he treats me- and what he expects me to do... i felt like shouting "I'M FUCKING IN LOVE WITH YOU--- THATS NOT FAIR TO ME" he insisted on walking me out--- probably the first time he actually did that. i couldnt even look at him-- the though made me feel so sick... i hate what we are becomming. i dont want to care so much about him... this isnt fair to me at all-- and i think we need to talk, but i just feel so retarded. FUUUUUUCK.

SuperSka1der (4:07:08 PM): Emmie, you are by far one of the coolest people I have ever met. I mean it. You're so optimistic and strong and breautiful and nice and intelligent and you have such a big heart. I love you to death and miss you like no other and can't wait to see you next week. I really hope you feel better soon. Take care of yourself, kiddo :-)

measure in metric.
your blue eyes are oceans away from mine
your best lines were stolen from Shakespeare
break off your plans with out of town friends
they have no rhyme
they talk in code
they measure in metric
my sunshine is orange, it shines on you and i
but my sky is open
and my arms are blue from this cold winter night